New Job = new and old beginnings and hopefully much more....;o)

Today I have got a number of thoughts running through my head and it is not all coherent and not well structured, I must say but these are small things to celebrate. Having started my new role in a Christian charity, I am faced with a number of challenges I have forgotten about as certain bad habits and ways of behaving and speaking became gradually part of my daily functioning. I became someone I sometimes detested and disliked and struggled with this impacting on my friends and family who were upset for me being miserable. Now I stand amazed about the journey that God has taken me through. I am grateful to God and my friends and family who have helped me to manage this transition and believed in me when I was starting to loose hope. I find it interesting and entertaining that I spent many years in charity sector working for both Christian and secular organisations and then moved onto statutory services only to return back where I started. ;o) This is not a complaint though. I certainly did not think that I will be turning away from statutory social work after a couple of years but I am actually grateful at being able to stop and think and rediscover things that are important and matter again rather than thinking about crisis management. It is amazing to see what is out there and what great work many different organisations are doing in places where there are difficulties and pain. I feel that there is a lot to learn for me and that the 'blinkers' have been removed.

I have met some great, inspiring and kind people in my new team. Being shy and not always liking change, I did have fears entering that role, they have surprised me with the amount of positivism, affirmation, encouragement and warm welcomes to the point. One does not get all of that in many places nowadays. Sometimes I have felt and wondered if it is real or if I am not imagining it (probably slight exaggeration on my part). It certainly feels sometimes too good to be true and I have to constantly remind myself to step back and realise that I am out of statutory sector and these are real people with great hearts who have chosen to serve not only God but also different communities not necessarily always Christian but going broader. I guess that this says a lot about me as one of my colleagues said this week about one of my odd perspectives slightly unrelated to this topic. But I do speak my mind though I do not always mean things as they come across. Many people laugh or stay silent but not many have got the guts to tell me or challenge me about this. As much as I do like feedback but at times struggle with the criticism part of it, it is good for me to be faced with the mirror. My friends would say that I like being right or having the last word but they do not realise that it is only because I feel comfortable and safe around them. That is compliment but not necessarily as I know that it is annoying for them. So right now it is good to be around people who are confident about what they believe and the direction they have taken in a way that is different.

I am curious about the energy, drive and motivation to see change as that is something that I have not had a change to experience for a while in some of organisations and public services I worked. As couple of my good friends said, it is good for me to be in this environment. I have to certainly tone down my language and have to remember the power of the words that I speak out, which I have been recently reminded. I feel like I am on a journey to learn to control my tongue again and to think about what I am saying and how that impacts on others. Not that I was not aware of this before but this is certainly different level compared to what one experiences in public services. There is tone of language, which reflects love and kindness and thinking good of others, not wanting to hurt others though that does not mean accepting everything and anything as there is firmness in character. I am starting to think and realise again that there is a lot that is good in people. It is hard to see beyond the damage and the pain and the impact of the terrible experiences of abuse when in statutory services. But there is certainly a light at the end of the tunnel for all of us though I feel that I am currently not in the tunnel at all and that I am in broad daylight (no tunnels in sight), which is a great feeling to have. I still do fall into my old patterns when speaking about my last work but it is a journey.

Furthermore, I am catching myself thinking that I am not doing enough and that it is odd to leave work on time. It is amazing how one falls into that trap of feeling that it is normal to be in crisis most weeks and to do 10-12 hrs without much break. I have been craving so long to be able to do things after work, meet friends, try new hobbies and just enjoy life that I have been given and which is very precious. Now I have got that opportunity and I have to get my friends to remind me and challenge me to do things and not loose sight of those hopes and dreams. I also need to remember to want that not only for myself but those around me, to remember the sense of being part of community, society and nation. Though my sense of belonging and identity would be something else to write about perhaps next time as I have always questioned that.

So lessons to learn and things to improve on for me:
- Spend time with God and pray
- Be creative - make things, paint and learn new arts and crafts
- Enjoy time with friends and make time to get out
- Try to think more before you speak and rediscover the sensitive self
- Believe in the good of people and see their potential when you look around or when you walk around
- Watch your tongue as what you say cannot be deleted
- Enjoy the positive and affirmative environment of your current work
- Try not to rush and feel that you have not done enough as there is another day and another week

If trees could talk ...

I must say that I love painting and drawing trees. I think that some family and friends ended up with cards and small paintings with trees as a result of this.

 I like how some of them are curved and bent revealing something more about their lives and experiences not being always straight forward growth upwards. Some grown into fences and railings when men have tried to impose onto their territory. I am fond of the branches stretching out to the sides as well as to heaven as if to reach out to everyone and welcome all the passersby to sit down in the shade, rest and dream. I love the different seasons reflected in them. I love spring and the greens, whites and pinks as well as many other colours when the trees wake up. I love how autumn colours the leaves with different warm colours giving us last farewells before the well deserved sleep. I like the trees laden with fruit in summer luring us to try and taste. I love the trees laden with snow, making them sparkly, white and bright in the winter sun.

Despite living in the city, there are still many interesting and beautiful trees around and I guess that I have learnt to appreciate them much more as I no longer live in a small town where one felt always quite close to the countryside surrounding the town. I like the playfulness of white birch trees, the weight of the world on the branches willows by the rivers. I like the conker trees inviting children to play. I like linden tree, my own country’s national tree though it makes me sneeze.

I guess that trees remind me of people, many varieties and some fruitful more than others. They are silent witnesses to seasons past and awaiting future ahead as we do. Some living longer than we do and some not. When looking inside, their tree rings reveal the life they have lived. I can only hope that we also learn to realise that what goes on the inside of us is more important than what is on the surface as appearance is deceiving and fleeting. All of us will age and grow old and wrinkly and all the wrinkles tell stories of our lives and we need to cherish them. We can only bear fruit if we are well rooted and in fertile soil. It does not matter whether we are perfectly looking but what matters is whether the fruit that we bear is sweet....

Crossroad again

I am not sure but somehow I end up on a crossroad quite frequently. I am currently questioning whether this is because of my short-sighted choices at times or whether it is just a normal stage of one's life that no one really admits to or whether it is process of maturing/ageing, which is increasing my insight in what is worthy and worthwhile in my life.

I have always enjoyed working in social care field but with coming years and lots of job hopping seeking new opportunities and learning new things, I have become more and more frustrated about man-made structures and politics both in charity and statutory sector. I guess that I keep forgetting that we are all humans and that we do not always get it right but somehow I feel that the whole sector is crumbling across some of the European countries. I do not want to be an observer but am thinking more and more whether I need to just be faithful in small things rather than attempt to make difference to my communities. I am not even sure whether this is the right work field for me anymore without losing who I am, my values, personality and believes. My friends and family have been certainly concerned when they saw the impact of working in statutory social services, which turned me into one miserable creature and hardly any personal life. Life is for living and not for surviving, I guess.

I have come to realise that being an introvert in social care field and having to survive the roller coaster of the events, crises, long hours that one faces takes a lot of energy. It can take its toll as there are other things one observes around. I do admire those who do not allow the politics of the social care field take away their stamina and focus. There are many amazing people on the ground and in the front line who have not 'sold their souls' and are not doing it for the money. Not that money can ever pay enough for the abuse, long hours, negative media that people in social work have to handle beside the emotionally demanding role. I am grateful that I have met some strong women and men who are trying hard to make their best of the failing system. But the question remains whether this is the right thing for me.

But lets not run away from the topic of crossroads. Crossroads are times for reflection, looking back, looking at present and looking forward. These are times to dream again and think through where we would like to be. Crossroads force us to stop and think again on our journey through life. Though I do not like not knowing, I need to make myself see the positive as many friends remind me. I can make a fresh start or walk on road that I am familiar with. There are choices and it is up to me to decide since God gave us free will whether I will follow what He prepared for me or take a different turn. It is time for us to expect the unexpected and see what opportunities open up. I would like to skip this stage personally and know what is going to happen as I do not like the idea of losing control over my life but it is important for me to realise that it is OK not to have this control.

There is nothing lost even when we take u-turns and walk off the track. We learn and see what it is that we do not enjoy. We learn what we are not willing to compromise about but what is essential. We learn about ourselves and we are not alone in those moments. We are part of the bigger picture. We are part of the communities and our move forward or sideways can have that ripple effect in small ways as it is going to impact on our relationships.

My lesson from the crossroads of life is probably that I can enjoy the period of being able to stop, take a deep breath and see what adventures lie ahead of me.