New Job = new and old beginnings and hopefully much more....;o)

Today I have got a number of thoughts running through my head and it is not all coherent and not well structured, I must say but these are small things to celebrate. Having started my new role in a Christian charity, I am faced with a number of challenges I have forgotten about as certain bad habits and ways of behaving and speaking became gradually part of my daily functioning. I became someone I sometimes detested and disliked and struggled with this impacting on my friends and family who were upset for me being miserable. Now I stand amazed about the journey that God has taken me through. I am grateful to God and my friends and family who have helped me to manage this transition and believed in me when I was starting to loose hope. I find it interesting and entertaining that I spent many years in charity sector working for both Christian and secular organisations and then moved onto statutory services only to return back where I started. ;o) This is not a complaint though. I certainly did not think that I will be turning away from statutory social work after a couple of years but I am actually grateful at being able to stop and think and rediscover things that are important and matter again rather than thinking about crisis management. It is amazing to see what is out there and what great work many different organisations are doing in places where there are difficulties and pain. I feel that there is a lot to learn for me and that the 'blinkers' have been removed.

I have met some great, inspiring and kind people in my new team. Being shy and not always liking change, I did have fears entering that role, they have surprised me with the amount of positivism, affirmation, encouragement and warm welcomes to the point. One does not get all of that in many places nowadays. Sometimes I have felt and wondered if it is real or if I am not imagining it (probably slight exaggeration on my part). It certainly feels sometimes too good to be true and I have to constantly remind myself to step back and realise that I am out of statutory sector and these are real people with great hearts who have chosen to serve not only God but also different communities not necessarily always Christian but going broader. I guess that this says a lot about me as one of my colleagues said this week about one of my odd perspectives slightly unrelated to this topic. But I do speak my mind though I do not always mean things as they come across. Many people laugh or stay silent but not many have got the guts to tell me or challenge me about this. As much as I do like feedback but at times struggle with the criticism part of it, it is good for me to be faced with the mirror. My friends would say that I like being right or having the last word but they do not realise that it is only because I feel comfortable and safe around them. That is compliment but not necessarily as I know that it is annoying for them. So right now it is good to be around people who are confident about what they believe and the direction they have taken in a way that is different.

I am curious about the energy, drive and motivation to see change as that is something that I have not had a change to experience for a while in some of organisations and public services I worked. As couple of my good friends said, it is good for me to be in this environment. I have to certainly tone down my language and have to remember the power of the words that I speak out, which I have been recently reminded. I feel like I am on a journey to learn to control my tongue again and to think about what I am saying and how that impacts on others. Not that I was not aware of this before but this is certainly different level compared to what one experiences in public services. There is tone of language, which reflects love and kindness and thinking good of others, not wanting to hurt others though that does not mean accepting everything and anything as there is firmness in character. I am starting to think and realise again that there is a lot that is good in people. It is hard to see beyond the damage and the pain and the impact of the terrible experiences of abuse when in statutory services. But there is certainly a light at the end of the tunnel for all of us though I feel that I am currently not in the tunnel at all and that I am in broad daylight (no tunnels in sight), which is a great feeling to have. I still do fall into my old patterns when speaking about my last work but it is a journey.

Furthermore, I am catching myself thinking that I am not doing enough and that it is odd to leave work on time. It is amazing how one falls into that trap of feeling that it is normal to be in crisis most weeks and to do 10-12 hrs without much break. I have been craving so long to be able to do things after work, meet friends, try new hobbies and just enjoy life that I have been given and which is very precious. Now I have got that opportunity and I have to get my friends to remind me and challenge me to do things and not loose sight of those hopes and dreams. I also need to remember to want that not only for myself but those around me, to remember the sense of being part of community, society and nation. Though my sense of belonging and identity would be something else to write about perhaps next time as I have always questioned that.

So lessons to learn and things to improve on for me:
- Spend time with God and pray
- Be creative - make things, paint and learn new arts and crafts
- Enjoy time with friends and make time to get out
- Try to think more before you speak and rediscover the sensitive self
- Believe in the good of people and see their potential when you look around or when you walk around
- Watch your tongue as what you say cannot be deleted
- Enjoy the positive and affirmative environment of your current work
- Try not to rush and feel that you have not done enough as there is another day and another week

If trees could talk ...

I must say that I love painting and drawing trees. I think that some family and friends ended up with cards and small paintings with trees as a result of this.

 I like how some of them are curved and bent revealing something more about their lives and experiences not being always straight forward growth upwards. Some grown into fences and railings when men have tried to impose onto their territory. I am fond of the branches stretching out to the sides as well as to heaven as if to reach out to everyone and welcome all the passersby to sit down in the shade, rest and dream. I love the different seasons reflected in them. I love spring and the greens, whites and pinks as well as many other colours when the trees wake up. I love how autumn colours the leaves with different warm colours giving us last farewells before the well deserved sleep. I like the trees laden with fruit in summer luring us to try and taste. I love the trees laden with snow, making them sparkly, white and bright in the winter sun.

Despite living in the city, there are still many interesting and beautiful trees around and I guess that I have learnt to appreciate them much more as I no longer live in a small town where one felt always quite close to the countryside surrounding the town. I like the playfulness of white birch trees, the weight of the world on the branches willows by the rivers. I like the conker trees inviting children to play. I like linden tree, my own country’s national tree though it makes me sneeze.

I guess that trees remind me of people, many varieties and some fruitful more than others. They are silent witnesses to seasons past and awaiting future ahead as we do. Some living longer than we do and some not. When looking inside, their tree rings reveal the life they have lived. I can only hope that we also learn to realise that what goes on the inside of us is more important than what is on the surface as appearance is deceiving and fleeting. All of us will age and grow old and wrinkly and all the wrinkles tell stories of our lives and we need to cherish them. We can only bear fruit if we are well rooted and in fertile soil. It does not matter whether we are perfectly looking but what matters is whether the fruit that we bear is sweet....

Crossroad again

I am not sure but somehow I end up on a crossroad quite frequently. I am currently questioning whether this is because of my short-sighted choices at times or whether it is just a normal stage of one's life that no one really admits to or whether it is process of maturing/ageing, which is increasing my insight in what is worthy and worthwhile in my life.

I have always enjoyed working in social care field but with coming years and lots of job hopping seeking new opportunities and learning new things, I have become more and more frustrated about man-made structures and politics both in charity and statutory sector. I guess that I keep forgetting that we are all humans and that we do not always get it right but somehow I feel that the whole sector is crumbling across some of the European countries. I do not want to be an observer but am thinking more and more whether I need to just be faithful in small things rather than attempt to make difference to my communities. I am not even sure whether this is the right work field for me anymore without losing who I am, my values, personality and believes. My friends and family have been certainly concerned when they saw the impact of working in statutory social services, which turned me into one miserable creature and hardly any personal life. Life is for living and not for surviving, I guess.

I have come to realise that being an introvert in social care field and having to survive the roller coaster of the events, crises, long hours that one faces takes a lot of energy. It can take its toll as there are other things one observes around. I do admire those who do not allow the politics of the social care field take away their stamina and focus. There are many amazing people on the ground and in the front line who have not 'sold their souls' and are not doing it for the money. Not that money can ever pay enough for the abuse, long hours, negative media that people in social work have to handle beside the emotionally demanding role. I am grateful that I have met some strong women and men who are trying hard to make their best of the failing system. But the question remains whether this is the right thing for me.

But lets not run away from the topic of crossroads. Crossroads are times for reflection, looking back, looking at present and looking forward. These are times to dream again and think through where we would like to be. Crossroads force us to stop and think again on our journey through life. Though I do not like not knowing, I need to make myself see the positive as many friends remind me. I can make a fresh start or walk on road that I am familiar with. There are choices and it is up to me to decide since God gave us free will whether I will follow what He prepared for me or take a different turn. It is time for us to expect the unexpected and see what opportunities open up. I would like to skip this stage personally and know what is going to happen as I do not like the idea of losing control over my life but it is important for me to realise that it is OK not to have this control.

There is nothing lost even when we take u-turns and walk off the track. We learn and see what it is that we do not enjoy. We learn what we are not willing to compromise about but what is essential. We learn about ourselves and we are not alone in those moments. We are part of the bigger picture. We are part of the communities and our move forward or sideways can have that ripple effect in small ways as it is going to impact on our relationships.

My lesson from the crossroads of life is probably that I can enjoy the period of being able to stop, take a deep breath and see what adventures lie ahead of me.

I have realised that I have left my blog unattended for too long. Having battled with the end of my studies and start of my employment have pre-occupied my mind for too long. I am again trying to discover my creative side.
Recently I have started painting and though I initially wanted to draw picture of the sea with the wild life on the sea floor, in the end it turned out to be the sea of people. ;o) One lesson I have realised for my own creativity is not to have too restricted or ideas of what I want to do but allow myself to discover what is hidden on the canvas as I start adding the layers. I guess that it is the same in life and us having preconceived ideas about what and who we face. Being open and flexible and allowing ourselves to start the journey of adventure and discovery is likely to bear good fruit.

Sea of people (not finished yet)

I often feel that as I am getting older that I keep trying to re-discover my inner child or youth and rebel against the stereotype and mundane things, yet I keep falling into seeking comfort and safety of knowing what is to follow. I guess having been fairly good girl when growing up has left me thinking that I have not got some of the things out of my system but at the same time I am too lazy and anxious to step out.....
I admire those who can be content and are not driven by emotions back and forth as often as I do. But what does this really mean? Do I want to be part of the crowd or go against the flow? Perhaps I want both in different aspects of life or different days. ;o)

Moving

When I was about to move in February 2011, I wrote the following and never posted it:
I have been trying to pack for a couple of days without much success. Having to put seven years of living in UK into boxes and suitcases is rather a challenge. I am still staying in UK but moving flats. I have lived in one place for over five years and have forgotten how moving places feels. Looking at the amount of stuff that I have hoarded over this time is quite disturbing. My original ideas of using this opportunity to reduce my possesions is not likely to happen. It is amazing to see how attached we get to inanimate objects as they remind us of occasions and seasons of our lives. It is rather sentimental and I wish I was able to get rid of the clutter. This makes me think about how Israelites had to keep things simple as they were constantly on the move. Not that I want to be travelling all over the place as a result of not having faith and not trusting God. ;o)
Now I am about to move again and have tried to make myself to reduce some of things that I possess. Things seem to come in cycles and I am faced with the same decisions and same experiences but hopefully this time I am hoping for being more disciplined and better equipped for the move than last time. I hope that I have learnt from my previous experience and won't be afraid to ask for help and be open about how I feel.
I think that having to go through things in my parents flat as they have moved into smaller one, helped me to realise that I do not need all the things that have been sitting around my bedroom untouched for years. It also made me realise that I do not have my own bedroom in my parents' flat anymore and home will be more where my parents are rather than a place, flat or another location. It makes me feel sentimental but at the same time makes me aware of need of having my own home or place that I call home.
Looking back at last 12 months feels that it was school year full of changes. Not all things went the way I hoped for but at the same time God definitely took care of me and took me through that year without having a complete meltdown. ;o) There is another year ahead of me in a new house/flat and final year of Uni and trying to work part-time. As a typical worry person, I am anxious about what is to come but at the same time I am reminding myself of God's care and provision last year. God is good even and provides even when we do not ask or have given up.

New beginnings

This is my current project. Having started studying social work, I have got an imminent need of expressing myself as I often come home overloaded with information, frustrated with expectations and struggling with motivation. I call it "fly away" (sun set and birds are on the move flying away - maybe to the warmer parts of the planet, maybe returning to their nests after a long day....). I hope that it keeps developing and some of the aspects of this painting will become recognisable to the universal audience. ;o)
I have decided to embark on a journey of trying different colours. I have been successful at resisting use of pink in my life for numerous years (apart from a couple of exceptions) and have decided to be adventurous and test out new territories. My dear friend V is thinking that "fly away" theme is my way of coping with significant changes in my life at this point of time - having to leave enjoyable full-time employment, re-entering full-time education and having to work part-time at the same time - feels bit heavy at times. I guess that she is probably right - somewhere deep in my subconscience are hidden urges to express my anxieties, worries and desires to run away from all of it.
The feeling of flying away - soaring on the wings like eagles sounds great. I do not wonder that men have spent centuries trying to fly. The sense of freedom and bigger perspective of the world underneath. I guess that it is good that our dear Father in heaven did not give us wings as it could boost our pride, our desire to rule the world without Him being central to everything. Humans have always tried to reach the heavens but there is only one way to do that and that is through Christ who is the bridge. ;o)

Coming home

When I was walking through my parents quiet flat (as they were at work) earlier today after having arrived from London after 8 months, I was reminded of the times when I was a child. Looking at the books and some of the furniture - it all feels familiar and comforting as something that is always there, something that will never change. Even about 10 years later, I still find it hard when Lord (our Pekingese) is not welcoming me. My room is no longer in its own location as my parents turned it into dining room but it still feels like it is there. I guess that it is engraved into my mind - where my room was, my shelves and wardrobe behind the doors. All the years I spend behind my desk doing home work, drawing or doodling. My room was my refuge, a safe place, my small kingdom, which was just mine. My bed where I dreamt, where I rested or cried. There I was able to transport myself into any world or history and dream my dreams. It was my haven. I have grown since then but still miss that feeling of not knowing what the adulthood will bring. I am an adult now and the reality feels harsh sometimes and sometimes it is quite tiring to be responsible adult. Sometimes I awake my inner rebellious child and become stubborn or do silly things, say silly stuff.
I guess that we do not realise how great it is to be children, to be naive, to watch and observe the world, to dream about wearing all the adult clothes, dream about being treated with respect, dream about being listened to and recognised, dream about being important, about being good at something, about having a career, about having a house etc. How blissful can that ignorance feel before we grow up and realise that it is ....
Thinking about it, this is actually not ignorance. It protects us in those early years, helps us grow and it forms our character. We need to find our own worldview, learn to test the boundaries and learn who to trust. Home is that place where it all starts happening and I am lucky that I can come home, feel welcome, loved and taken care of.