New beginnings

This is my current project. Having started studying social work, I have got an imminent need of expressing myself as I often come home overloaded with information, frustrated with expectations and struggling with motivation. I call it "fly away" (sun set and birds are on the move flying away - maybe to the warmer parts of the planet, maybe returning to their nests after a long day....). I hope that it keeps developing and some of the aspects of this painting will become recognisable to the universal audience. ;o)
I have decided to embark on a journey of trying different colours. I have been successful at resisting use of pink in my life for numerous years (apart from a couple of exceptions) and have decided to be adventurous and test out new territories. My dear friend V is thinking that "fly away" theme is my way of coping with significant changes in my life at this point of time - having to leave enjoyable full-time employment, re-entering full-time education and having to work part-time at the same time - feels bit heavy at times. I guess that she is probably right - somewhere deep in my subconscience are hidden urges to express my anxieties, worries and desires to run away from all of it.
The feeling of flying away - soaring on the wings like eagles sounds great. I do not wonder that men have spent centuries trying to fly. The sense of freedom and bigger perspective of the world underneath. I guess that it is good that our dear Father in heaven did not give us wings as it could boost our pride, our desire to rule the world without Him being central to everything. Humans have always tried to reach the heavens but there is only one way to do that and that is through Christ who is the bridge. ;o)

Coming home

When I was walking through my parents quiet flat (as they were at work) earlier today after having arrived from London after 8 months, I was reminded of the times when I was a child. Looking at the books and some of the furniture - it all feels familiar and comforting as something that is always there, something that will never change. Even about 10 years later, I still find it hard when Lord (our Pekingese) is not welcoming me. My room is no longer in its own location as my parents turned it into dining room but it still feels like it is there. I guess that it is engraved into my mind - where my room was, my shelves and wardrobe behind the doors. All the years I spend behind my desk doing home work, drawing or doodling. My room was my refuge, a safe place, my small kingdom, which was just mine. My bed where I dreamt, where I rested or cried. There I was able to transport myself into any world or history and dream my dreams. It was my haven. I have grown since then but still miss that feeling of not knowing what the adulthood will bring. I am an adult now and the reality feels harsh sometimes and sometimes it is quite tiring to be responsible adult. Sometimes I awake my inner rebellious child and become stubborn or do silly things, say silly stuff.
I guess that we do not realise how great it is to be children, to be naive, to watch and observe the world, to dream about wearing all the adult clothes, dream about being treated with respect, dream about being listened to and recognised, dream about being important, about being good at something, about having a career, about having a house etc. How blissful can that ignorance feel before we grow up and realise that it is ....
Thinking about it, this is actually not ignorance. It protects us in those early years, helps us grow and it forms our character. We need to find our own worldview, learn to test the boundaries and learn who to trust. Home is that place where it all starts happening and I am lucky that I can come home, feel welcome, loved and taken care of.

Homeless people are MY problem

I have been working in youth homeless residential services for a bit and have realised how easy it is to lose home and how limited real help can be - it is always about money. I have read and heard snippets of how people end up being homeless but definitely not enough to get me out of my comfy sofa. There are more stories of those who call the streets "home" to be heard, more stories to be shouted into the world.
We have been walking past them every day in London. They have become part of London make-up - unwanted, forgotten and lost - sad existences who cannot make it in our society and have nowhere to go. No one wants them. They seem to be like the human statues in Covent Garden. They are there but unless they move, one does not realise that they are real people with real feelings and life stories. They have to have dogs to guard them as there are those who want to make them disappear. What world do we live in? Why dirty and smelly people do not deserve to live? Why people with homes think that they are superior to those with no homes? Why to them consider them to be "dirt" or "scum?"
We are happy to forget that they were once somebody's family, they have or had parents, gransparents or even siblings. They were part of some community. Where are they gone? We live in a society where we do not care about our brothers, sisters, relatives who get lost. We do not take care of our family members who struggle. People have become disposable. Why? We do not want to spend money, time and effort to help others. It would be costly and we would have to get our hands dirty. We have become egocentric, ignorant and careless. We want quick fixes - fast tracks, fast food, fast lanes, fast life - no time to stop.
Hold on, though. No matter how much we want to avoid this, the problem is going to be there. It will always be a visual prompt to shame us, remind us that of our human imperfections, of our failures and avoidance. We cannot move it far away enough.
What about facing our demons? Lets try to see them as humans again - they have got stories to tell. Lets try to remember that this homeless person can be somebody's brother, sister, son, daughter or even father. This could be a good start to becoming humans again, which can lead to bigger and better things. I know that I do not do much, I am selfish and lazy. What is my excuse?
I have been asked today if churches are still involved in this and had to say that not as much probably. I even had an excuse ready that the problem is much bigger for churches to deal with. What a rubbish excuse! Did I just say that God is not big enough to deal with this and that He cannot do it - our Lord who fed the hungry, healed the sick and welcomed those who were excluded? What Bible am I reading?
I remember hearing about churches and people of God setting up projects in the past, people opening their churches as soup kitchens. I know of some churches involved but do not know any in my local area. Maybe I am just ignorant and people do not publish this but maybe it does not happen enough. I know of an organisation set up by a vicar but there is no link to any churches anymore, they do not highlight their Christian origins as if it is shameful past - they are just simply politically correct (because they need government funding). Where is the church? Where are people of God?
There is one definite thing that I can say today - I am ashamed, Lord. I am sorry that I do not make homelessness my problem and if I do - it is only temporary because I do run into my safe and warm home every day.

Memories of Morocco

Why am I going LIVE?

I have been thinking about having a space to keep my friends and family posted about what I do and produce, about what is on my heart and on my mind and in my life.
I have been reading quite an inspirational book that God has been using to awaken my dreams and my desires - to be creative again. It is great to see that God can use anything to remind us of what He has planted in us. Dealing with the everyday struggles of my own life and everyone else's (since I work with vulnerable young people and adults) makes me sometimes exhausted and clouds my own heart's desires to create as I only focus on labouring. I then need to be reminded either by meeting inspirational people or reading wise words urging us to follow our hearts or see someone else's creation. This then makes me jealous of others who are brave not to waste the gifts they have been given, who are brave to step out of everyday conformity and take risks. It often turns into a small urge in the corner of my heart where I make a resolution to return to my table and get my paints out.
I have been dreaming about standing on the beach on a sunny day in a white light dress, wind blowing my hair gently. It feels great - vast ocean beside me, waves crushing, the sounds of the seas, smell of seawater, sun touching my skin gently and I am FREE finally flooded with peace. One of my friends has recently prayed for me without knowing about this picture and it was the very picture of me standing on the beach in a white dress that God gave her for me. It is amazing to be reminded that God cares about our deepest desires of the heart irrespective of how deep we bury them and cover them with other stuff. Well, funnily enough - another great friend of mine has encouraged me to go and get that white dress, which I did today. It is funny to see how God awakens our hearts and encourages us to follow our dreams. I hope that there will be more of that in my life.